How To Spot The Shadow

So here’s the thing:

Every human has a shadow, just like every human has a light.

And in the lightest, brightest parts of you, there is also a speck of darkness.

And in the darkest of the dark within the depths of you, there is also a light.

This may sound like it resembles the yin and yang Taoist symbol…

Because it most certainly does.

I view the world through the lens of relationship and how things interact with each other.

Good exists insofar as it is in relationship to bad.

Same goes for all of life’s polarities. They can’t exist without the other.

Therefore, all the best parts of you — the highest, brightest parts — can’t exist without your shadow.

And your shadow is not something to get rid of. It naturally exists all the time as a part of the unconscious, containing aspects of ourselves that are outside conscious awareness or conscious relationship.

So not everything unconscious necessarily has to do with the shadow.

The shadow is a part of the unconscious containing the aspects of ourselves we’ve rejected, repressed, hidden, or disowned.

That is an important distinction.

For example, when I am happy, sadness — along with many other aspects of myself — temporarily move outside of my conscious awareness.

This isn’t necessarily bad unless my happiness is actually masking an underlying sadness that feels too overwhelming to face. Or maybe I think sadness is stupid and not worth my time.

In this scenario, the sadness is an aspect of the shadow, and the forced or performative happiness becomes a way to spot the shadow.

I think the shadow is deeply intertwined with the nervous system and can even be passed through family systems across generations.

That being said, there are two types of shadow: personal and collective.

The personal shadow develops through your unique life experiences, starting in utero all the way to the present day. This can also include shadow material inherited from your family.

The collective shadow is what we, as a collective, are unwilling to face — things like prejudice, homophobia, racism, rank, privilege, sexism, chauvinism, and all the “isms” that people become subjected to, causing significant suffering, disconnection, and even violence between groups and cultures.

This is influenced and reinforced by culture, traditions, religions, and overarching systems.

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Spotting the Shadow

What I want to cover today is ways to spot the shadow when it is activated.

And the thing about the shadow is that it is usually underneath what is being expressed, which makes it a little tricky to access sometimes.

So if what is being expressed is aggression, there may be sadness, fear, shame, grief, or powerlessness underneath it driving the aggression.

And just so you know, it is totally okay to spot the shadow after it is activated.

It is like noticing that you are holding a fist.

The noticing is what then makes it unclench.

And eventually you will notice it faster and faster.

The ways to spot the shadow that I decided were important to name are:

• Reactivity

• Defensiveness

• Feelings and emotions

• Shut down and freeze

• Judgements and projections

• Aversion toward self

• Dreams

Reactivity

Hear me out.

I know this might seem like low-hanging fruit, but once it clicks that this is usually your shadow running a habituated pattern that likely developed at a very young age, things start to make a lot more sense.

The nervous system is plastic and malleable, but it takes on strong patterning during those formative years.

Legitimate danger may have been present, and you likely froze, became aggressive, went numb, or developed ways of being likable by becoming nice, agreeable, funny, useful, or hyper-attuned so that you could stay safe.

Now, much of the time, what we are responding to is perceived danger.

For example, I have a reactive behavior that comes from the perceived dangers of being in social situations — fears of being disliked, rejected, or not accepted.

This behavior turns on a certain charm, the comedian in me, or the blabbering fool that overshares.

I often leave these interactions exhausted or ashamed for having dominated the conversation, taken the spotlight, or shared far more than what was actually asked of me.

My shadow operates underneath this reaction, and what emerges is this adaptive behavior.

This part of me believes that simply being myself is not enough, and that I need to perform in order to earn connection, trust, respect, or belonging.

I was unconsciously strategizing for connection.

The type of reactivity this points to is a loss of connection to my core.

Instead of being anchored in myself, I become immersed in a familiar survival pattern that creates pseudo-connection through an inauthentic expression of who I am.

My journey then led me toward learning the difference between being aligned or misaligned with my actions and behaviors within social contexts.

I am still a charming comedian that enjoys attention, but I have found more balance.

Defensiveness

This one has come up a lot for me in intimate relationships where I have established enough safety to defend myself instead of fawning in the face of conflict.

Defensiveness is quite literally defending something that does not want to be felt, touched, exposed, or accepted because something underneath feels tender, vulnerable, or overwhelming.

Now, it is absolutely necessary to defend ourselves in certain situations — especially if our character is being slandered or something is being described wildly inaccurately.

But many times, what relationships actually require is our willingness to first slow down, feel, and understand what the other person is saying before immediately protecting ourselves.

And unsurprisingly, that can be incredibly difficult.

If you feel the immediate urge to defend yourself in conflict, there is a good chance some shadow material has been activated to protect you from discomfort, pain, shame, grief, inadequacy, or vulnerability.

And maybe it is simply the discomfort of accepting how we impacted another person — intentionally or unintentionally.

That discomfort, to the shadow, can feel threatening enough to protect against, but defensiveness can be deeply disconnecting in relationships.

So begin paying attention to your automatic defenses and look at what might exist underneath them.

Is there pain there?

Does this situation remind you of something from your past?

Is there an unmet need present?

Are you resourced enough in this moment to stay open to what is happening?

Feelings and Emotions

Feelings and sensations in the body tend to be a very common entry point in my shadow work sessions.

People tend to disown some or maybe all emotions for various reasons.

So those emotions got stuck and the body often stores the emotional material and conditioning that our conscious mind has become disconnected from.

The sentence stem:

“Right now in my body I feel…”

can be more than enough to uncover shadow material and reconnect with parts of yourself that are usually operating outside of your awareness.

Feelings often lead us toward emotions.

And emotions are not just isolated experiences — they exist within a much larger contextual landscape.

This work asks us to become curious about that entire landscape, where nothing arising is immediately rejected, dismissed, or excluded.

In terms of locating shadow material, it requires us to move toward the feelings and emotions, not away from them.

Not only to experience what is obvious on the surface, but to stay with the experience long enough to discover what may exist underneath it.

This might sound obscure or esoteric, and honestly, that’s because this is a skill that develops through long-term practice, deep self-inquiry, or consistent work with a skilled therapist, coach, or facilitator.

When the body, nervous system, emotions, and mind begin connecting with one another, things become much clearer, and the shadow elements become easier to recognize and work with.

Shut Down and Freeze

Shut down and freeze are protective mechanisms that may have worked really well when you were a child, but as an adult in relationships and life, can become limiting and disconnecting.

I was a chronic freezer in the face of conflict, fear, or emotionally overwhelming situations.

For some reason, my nervous system decided this was one of my best strategies for survival.

And honestly, it worked.

But part of my work has been recognizing the freeze response and intentionally generating life force into my system so that I can stay connected to myself and respond differently.

So that I may:

speak my truth

express the appropriate emotion

act courageously

move with grounded intention

and stay connected to my heart

This is another place where the nervous system and shadow appear deeply intertwined.

There is often a core wound or series of experiences that both shaped the nervous system and contributed to the development of this shadow element.

In my case, the shadow here is tied to an inner child who learned to shut down because emotions did not feel safe to express or move through.

That younger part needs tending to in those moments.

It needs reassurance that it is safe to let go of control and trust that the adult Self has the capacity to handle what is happening — even if it is difficult.

Judgements and Projections

One would think this needs little explanation with how much people talk about shadow work these days, but honestly, this is still one of the easiest ways to spot your shadow at play.

This does not necessarily mean your judgments or perceptions are wrong.

The shift is that instead of solely focusing on what someone else is doing, we also become curious about what is happening within us. With enough curiosity and care, you can likely find some valuable information about yourself in every judgement you have.

I had a judgment and projection come up recently about someone in my community.

I told myself stories about them.

I cast judgments.

I projected motives onto them.

And maybe some of those perceptions were true. Maybe they weren’t.

But what became more important was recognizing what was happening inside of me.

What was true was that I felt hurt because I believed they were unavailable for connection with me.

That became the entry point.

As I sat with it more deeply, I realized I was carrying fears of rejection and abandonment, and even more importantly, I realized that I was actually the one making myself unavailable for connection.

A few days later, I intentionally opened myself up instead of withdrawing, and we ended up having a very friendly conversation — and another one later that evening.

Over the next few days, we continued having easy, sweet moments together.

And afterward, I felt a little silly for the projections and judgments I had created, which honestly is usually a good sign.

Aversion Toward Self

The first thing that comes to mind here is the inner critic.

This is when judgment becomes directed inward.

These critical voices often feel like they are ours, but many of them were actually learned from culture, family systems, school, religion, social media, peer groups, and society at large.

This is what psychology refers to as introjection.

A simple example would be:

“Boys don’t cry.”

The aversion toward self happens when you feel, express, desire, or move toward something authentic, and an internal voice immediately criticizes, shames, or suppresses you in order to keep you “acceptable,” productive, safe, or controlled.

Many people even glorify their inner critic because it keeps them productive and pushing forward.

But the inner critic is often like a coach from hell.

Sure, it may help you achieve things, but there is no heart connected to it.

No compassion.

No warmth.

Another part of this category is the things we dislike about ourselves.

For most of my life, I disliked my voice.

Whenever someone complimented it or appreciated it, I would deflect it or insist they were wrong.

Through my work, I eventually realized it was not actually my voice that I disliked.

It was how disconnected I was from the words I was speaking.

My body was not involved in my speech.

And once that shifted, I became able to genuinely appreciate my voice and understand why others appreciated it too.

So work with your aversions toward yourself.

There is often rich and meaningful material underneath them.

Dreams

Dreams are wild.

There are people who work very deeply and beautifully with dreams, and honestly, I am still undecided on exactly where I stand with them.

I think there is tremendous value in exploring the symbols, themes, myths, and emotional landscapes within dreams, but they also remain incredibly mysterious to me.

That being said, there are occasionally very obvious figures, themes, or motifs that clearly resemble shadow material and can often be translated into something you are actively working through in waking life.

I do not work with dreams as heavily as some people do, but I do help people unpack them and explore how they may contain useful information or insight for their path.

Closing

One of the best ways to approach shadow work — especially if you are exploring it on your own — is with deep curiosity and openness toward whatever arises.

I want to leave you with this quote from Robert Augustus Masters:

“When we are aware of our conditioning and not letting it drive us or dictate our direction, it cannot at such times be categorized as our shadow. Because it is now out in the open, illuminated and held in our grounded awareness.”

Thank you so much for reading.

I hope you learned some things that you can take into consideration when you are out in real-world situations.

All of these ways of spotting the shadow can become incredibly helpful for gathering the information needed to continue living a life of self-inquiry, self-reflection, embodiment, growth, and integration.