Men’s Groups — What’s the Big Whoop?

If you clicked on this, you’ve likely heard the concept of men’s work and/or men’s groups. Beyond that, I don’t know why you’re here—but I do know why I’m here to write about men’s work: to understand it better.

I’ve been participating in men’s work for over four years now, deeply studying what happens in these spaces.

I recall one of the first meetings I ever attended. I witnessed a man cry in front of a group of men—some of whom he didn’t even know. Up to that point, I had never seen that.

The armor that men have developed hardly allows for a sneeze to come out, let alone a solid cry. Of course, I’m being facetious—but truly, before that moment, the predominant emotions I had witnessed from men were limited to anger, joy, disappointment, and apathy.

What I have found is that men often live in a state of heady hyperactivity, with a short fuse to anger and aggression, and a tendency to shut down in order to avoid feeling fear, sadness, discomfort, and shame.

I’m even seeing men prevent themselves from feeling true joy and happiness—not because they want to, but because when you cut yourself off from feeling one thing, you cut yourself off from most things. Cutting ourselves off from certain feelings means there is a big chunk of vitality that we are operating without.

One of my teachers once shared something that really resonated with me. I’m not quoting it directly, but it was something along the lines of: “Nothing makes you stronger, more powerful, and more at ease than the unconditional Love and support of another man—or a group of men.”

In this article, I’m going to attempt to unpack that statement, and speak to how men’s work and men’s groups help reconnect men to Self, to others, and to the natural world.

Stronger, Powerful, More At Ease

Something I’ve noticed that is a stark difference between where I was and where I am now is this: I’m less scared of men.

Before being involved in men’s work, I was terrified of men—especially very opinionated men. (In reality, I was afraid of anyone with strong opinions. I could easily relate that to childhood. Trust me, I’ve gone there.)

During my adolescence, if I showed my true emotions in social environments, at worst I would be absolutely torn apart—verbally and emotionally, sometimes physically. And at best, I would be ignored, which was also painful.

Some could say I had a hard time feeling safe, or unclenched, with men. And that invited the men and guys in my life to treat me in the exact ways I didn’t want. They could smell it, and they would naturally go for it.

So that first men’s group, where the man cried, was a huge exhale for me. It blew my mind. I felt how welcomed and celebrated that was.

Paradigm Shift

I’ll never forget how that shattered something in my nervous system. I had heard there were places where men could openly talk about their emotions and actually feel them—but now I had first-hand experience. It still took me a while to feel unclenched enough to follow suit, in my own way.

So I kept showing up and showing up—to practice being more unclenched and vulnerable. I longed to connect with myself on this deeper level, within the relational domain… a place I would usually go unconscious in.

It wasn’t until a 9-week men’s work program called The Heart of Shadow that I remember breaking free from the armor. I finally decided to take my side, meet my pain, and own my Truth. And, fortunately, it was met with more Love, Care, and Understanding than I could have ever imagined.

I see so many different realities that could have happened after that experience. But what I can tell you is this: the Love, Care, and Understanding did not fade. It only deepened.

I kept showing up—even when it was hard. And trust me, it got hard. I had a lot of unwiring to do around relationships with other males. I had a lot to let go of in order to receive.

Through that receiving, I learned to give more.

I have been a part of a lot of groups. However, there is one group that I have been meeting with every week for three years. That group has seen and heard my worst—and still Loves me. They invite all parts of me because they are committed to understanding me. They hold all these parts of me, and the care just pours out.

I receive their strength — and it makes me stronger. 

I receive their care — and it makes me more powerful. 

I receive their curiosity and reflections — and it makes me feel at ease.

With that, I have the support I need to face the world and do hard things. I have a place to go where I can be messy and emotional. I have something to be caught by when I fall. I have a group of men that I Trust to care-fully and skillfully confront me when needed. I have a place to practice asking for what I need.

Being in deep relationship with men is the reason I have felt capable of facing my dragons and living my dreams.

I can’t state this enough.

Connection to Self, Others, and Nature

Men, and all humans, need group containers so that we can practice connecting. The three pillars of holistic health are connection to self, connection to others, and connection to the environment, nature, and the universe.

Men report being lonely. I hear it all the time.There are stats out there representing this male loneliness. A huge fraction of men either report feeling lonely or having zero close friends. Then there is a huge fraction of men who don’t even know how lonely they are. 

When in that place, it can be hard to know what to do about it. It’s like someone experiencing dehydration — the dehydration itself suppresses the thirst mechanism, meaning we sometimes have little to no way of knowing how thirsty we truly are.

This points to a massive issue in our society, and is a key indicator for why men experience much higher rates of suicide and deep emotional distress.

This is not a one-size-fits-all problem.This is a connection problem — and it looks different for everyone, tailored to each person’s preferences, wants, and needs.

We must be intentional with how we prioritize our time.I heard a saying recently: “If we don’t make time for friends, we won’t have any.”That feels solidly true. If we don’t make time for connection, connection is lost.

By being in a men’s group and consistently showing up, a multiplicity of things are happening.

There is usually space to connect to self by talking about what is real for you. Maybe something is alive in you that’s demanding your awareness, and nowhere else feels like a safe or appropriate place to hold it — except an intentional and well-defined men’s group.

Connecting to others happens naturally. There is usually at least one man who is willing to share something vulnerable about his life. Vulnerability is the doorway to connection. And another human Heart, when in an intentional and well-defined group, can’t help but feel with a Heart that is hurting, which in turn connects them.

Connecting to nature is most ideal, but we can connect to our immediate environment anywhere, anytime we expand our awareness beyond our own head. All of the world is natural. Connect to is by appreciating it.

Through connecting to our feelings and expressing them, we create space. We release the tension and energy it takes to hold everything in. And by connecting with other men, we remember that there is more going on than just the issues and problems we face.

Connection inside and out is what we need.

Men’s Groups as Social Capital

I am a part of several groups that are comprised solely of men. I can think of many men that I Trust to be there for me because of the space we have shared doing deep, vulnerable, and courageous work together.

These are men I can call on for support when I sense I need it. These are groups I can fall into in order to fall apart and be held. We have, at some point, all made a commitment to be there for each other, and despite what our ego might say, that commitment never goes away.

Some of these groups don’t talk regularly, but each member knows that if they put out a bat call for help, there would be several men responding with support.

I have my group that meets every week, my closed group that I started that meets twice a month, my open group that I started that meets twice a month, and several groups that meet intermittently. I also maintain relationships with individuals from each of these groups I have partaken in to ensure the connections stay alive.

What I’m trying to say is that this is social capital worth investing in.

Invest in joining intentional men’s groups in your community, and watch with amazement how rewarding it is to know another man on a much deeper level than most social events could ever afford.

In my professional opinion, men’s groups are a must. If you are a man, find a group that is aligned with your values and wants. Then see how your life unfolds in a different way.

The impact that group can make on you will be noticeable. Your path will clear up. You will feel stronger, more powerful, and more at ease.

I speak only from experience.

In Conclusion…

If you are a man, I strongly encourage you to find a men’s group. It doesn’t have to be a forever group. It just needs to get you into connection with yourself and other men. The path will take care of the rest.

Just keep showing up, even when it doesn’t feel good. And if you don’t feel better than you did before arriving, consider trying a different group or talking to the facilitator about why that is.

Just know — you will likely want to leave before you’ve worked through what you’re needing to work through. You will face shadows, tension, discomfort, and challenging emotions. This is part of the process, especially if you haven’t been engaging in this kind of work for very long.

There are a number of ways to find groups, but I suggest starting online. Maybe the first one is a home run. Maybe it’s not. Maybe you try again and it’s much better. There is no need to settle.

For my open group, I encourage participants to offer feedback. I want this group to feel valuable and worthwhile for everyone who attends. One way my co-facilitator and I are discovering this is by encouraging and empowering men to ask for what they want and need.

Then it becomes the responsibility of our container — and those in attendance — to meet them there. To me, this feels like the ultimate practice of relating with other humans.

You are responsible for your healing. You are the expert on your unique needs. No one else should be telling you what you should do, and hopefully the container is spacious enough to hold the process.

Our open group container is simply inviting you to connect to yourself, connect to others and the environment, and then clearly state what you need.

You might be surprised what comes through.

If you are interested in joining my co-facilitator, Oak, and I’s open men’s group (Root & Rise in Brotherhood) that happens every 1st and 3rd Wednesday of the month here in Eugene, Oregon, then please reach out with questions or RSVP on moonmountainhealing.com on the events page. 

This group is for anyone who identifies as a man, and for those who are questioning that identity because I certainly questioned that for most of my life, and this container can support that.

We would Love to have you join us. Thank you for reading.

Blessings and Gratitude to all <3